Through me rather than from me.

This blog has always been in the back of my mind. Would I ever return? Of course...right? Who knows.

If I did return I didn’t want to have to try. I wanted it to flow, like all things worth doing should.

Last night I was listening to Eckhart Tolle, as I often do when I’m feeling a little (or a lot) anxious. The question that was asked to him really resonated with me.

“Once you become aware, do you have to have a plan of where you’re going or do you leave that up to the universe to bring that to you for you then to make the choice?”

Ding ding ding! Yes please, dear Eckhart, answer me this. Because I struggle with the hustle mentality. I struggle with the shoulds and the musts. I just want to feel like I’m doing enough without having to worrying about needing to do more.

I abandoned this blog for a few reasons. Students and colleagues were finding it. My ego was frightened about what that would mean for my job in the psychology department. A lot of what I was writing about was ‘in pencil’ and the internet is forever. I wrote about what I was interested in but could not say the topics had been long thought out or long experienced.

Oh the fear of regret, how you can rule me.

The little voice in my head had been telling me I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, or awake enough. Not that it’s completely gone but oh how loud it was back then.

One of the easiest answers to why I stopped blogging was the one I would tell friends who asked why I didn’t post anymore. My answer was “I lost interest in writing”. Fair enough, they would say, thankfully leaving it at that. But that wasn’t the whole truth. (Not that I knew it at the time.) Beyond the fear of judgement and regret, was an even truthier truth that I was oh so close to realizing.

I didn’t lose interest in writing, I lost interest in TRYING to write.

I got tired of asking myself what I wanted to create. Plain and simple. It wasn’t a horrible feeling mind you. A little anxious or a little frustrating at times but not altogether a dreadful task. I just got tired of the trying. Some part of me has always known the truth. That the best creation need not be forced.

The best creative endeavours want to be created, they do not need you to do the wanting.

The act of wanting to create often becomes limited by the needs of the ego. And the ego is always trying to enhance itself first, it cares very little about tapping into creative flow and allowing these ideas to flow through you. It wants to create the idea, own the idea, profit from the idea, all to enhance itself. Even then I knew I had very little interest in that. Now however, I know I am much more interested in ideas being created THROUGH me, rather than by me. And that’s what this feels like. I feel calm, secure and a little excited. A little like when I would create poems in the 6th grade. It never quite felt like I was the one coming up with the words, they would appear and they felt right. I didn’t think about what they even meant, I just needed to write them and I never asked why.

I have let go of any expectations of what I want to write or who I do and do not want to read this. I just feel the need to write again. And I feel at peace, which is a lovely feeling in 2020. If this keeps up, I can’t wait to write again.

Now if only I could remember the URL of my blog (was there a dash?) or even my login... Oh well, if it comes through me, I’ll see you there.

Be kind to others, be kinder to yourself, you deserve it.

Jen

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