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What do I want? Why am I here?

What do I want? 

I have always hated the question "what do you want?". We live in a world of so many possibilities, so many roads that we can take. We have just as many people telling us our goals are unrealistic as we have telling us we can have anything we want. I find the options and opinions paralyzing. 

After reading, listening and watching everything I could find on Eckhart Tolle's explanation of the ego and identification with forms I found myself not wanting.
I stopped shopping to soothe myself or perpetuate the image of myself I wanted seen. After reading all of Eckhart's books multiple time and watching his Q and As so many times that I could anticipate almost exactly how he would answer each question I found myself looking to other spiritual leaders and saw many of the same ideas repeated in slightly different incarnations. Beginning to get a little restless with the information I started dabbling in the self-help section. I came across Jen Sincero's You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life. While listening to her Audiobook book I started getting a bad feeling in my stomach. It was all about living the life you want, getting the things you want, putting your energy into the future. All things that Eckhart had told me don't matter and will not fulfill me. I finished the audiobook confused and distrusting the message.

I carried on my path of personal development and was inspired when a youtuber I had followed for years, Michael Buckley, had seemed to turn his life around using self-coaching methods and was now a successful life coach. He started sharing the model (based on Brooke Castillo's CTFAR model) he uses with clients that is based on changing your thoughts in order to change your feelings, actions and results.  Knowing that accepting and acknowledging my negative thoughts hadn't seemed to eliminate them fully, I decided to look into it. As I delved into the life coaching world I was again inundated with the message of "how to get what you want" and again felt that uneasy feeling in my stomach. 

Not only did I not know what I want, the idea of desiring anything but inner peace felt wrong to me. I went back to Eckhart Tolle with this new question in mind and came back to his lessons on identification with forms. 

As long as I don't identify with what I want, I am free to play in the game of forms as long as I don't develop an attachment to it. Sounds easy, but I'm betting it is not. 

I continued my journey with these thoughts floating around in the back of my mind. I picked up the Laws of Attraction by Jerry and Esther Hicks. A strange choice, I admit, for someone who has no idea what it is she wants to attract to her life. As I was making my way through the book, I was also listening to Brooke Castillo's life coach school podcast, journaling, meditating and devoting quite a bit of my day to this personal development. I was chatting with my best friend and we were discussing how much time and energy I was putting into this. She was telling me how impressed she was with me and how much she has learned from me sharing my journey with her.   That is when the idea of a blog came to me. Being able to share all the work I was doing. Maybe my struggle could help someone else. I got excited. I felt lighter. 

I continued reading "The Laws of Attraction". I started learning about how we are always attracting things into our lives, whether we want them or not. So even though I did know what I wanted I was still putting vibrations into the universe, unconsciously attracting circumstances. Great. Now I felt a sense of urgency to figure out what I wanted so that I was able to direct my thoughts properly. I took a deep breath and read on. 

“When an idea occurs to you and you feel eagerness about it, that means that your Inner Being is a vibrational match to the idea, and your positive emotion is an indication that the vibration of your thought in this moment matches that of your Inner Being.”

After I read this, the goosebumps came back and I immediately thought of my blog idea. The eagerness and positive emotions it caused in me. I wrote this post the next day. 

So here is it. My test for the Law of Attraction. I am going to use everything I have learned and everything I will into creating a successful blog that is about everything I have learned and everything I will. I will post my successes, and my struggles in hope of helping you navigate the vast world of self help spirituality while I figure it all out for myself.


  1. What a great idea! I look forward to reading about your journey with the Law of Attraction


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